17 Things Only Jos Will Understand – #11 is so accurate it hurts!

1. Heheh. Butts.

Am I right, me?

2. Axe Deodorant Body Spray Kills Kids

Disclaimer: Not insofar as any other aerosol spray applied so liberally in a poorly ventilated bathroom, but nonetheless

3. When You Almost Kill Your Roommates By Setting Your Underwear On Fire

Ugh, the most annoying thing!

4. All Your Reeds End Up Curved Because You Lost Your Mouthpiece Covers Ages Ago

Which dovetails neatly into…

5. Having Professional-Grade Mouthpieces To Play Your Student-Grade Horn

Berg Larsen or not, there’s only so much you can do to make a Yamaha sound good.

6. Dropping Manufacturer Names To Make Yourself Sound Learned About Saxophones

I am literally the only person who does this.

7. Having An Anglican Father, An Alliance Mother, Attending A Baptist Church, Then Choosing Buddhism In Adulthood.

Three churches, one God, and I end up following the teachings of a guy whose legacy to the world was intentionally confusing and contradictory stories and poems.

8. No One Knows What You’re Talking About When You Mention That Christian Extreme Sports Video From When You Were In Grade 7

Seriously, NO ONE KNOWS.

9. You Were Weirdly Into The Manhattan Transfer In The 90’s

…And I did not understand why none of my friends liked “Gentleman With A Family” as much as I did.

10. You Know That ‘Glee’ Is Just A Cheap Rip-Off Of ‘Kids, Incorporated’

I knew about Martika, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Mario Lopez and Fergie BEFORE they were cool. Also Ryan Lambert, but not THAT Ryan Lambert.

11. Having An Older Sister And Best Friend Who Were Subject To Severe Psychological Abuse At The Hands Of Missionaries Who Were Teaching Them A Lesson About Faith

This one’s kind of fucked up. While they were preparing for a Mission to build a house in Tijuana, the leaders staged a raid to kidnap a bunch of Christian teenagers under the premise that they were now being persecuted for their faith. The details are a bit vague this many years later, but as I recall, this happened in Los Angeles, and my sister ended up in a fake holding cell, while my best friend escaped among the refugees. Where was I when all this was happening? In Edmonton, learning how to play saxophone better.

12. While Your Friends Were Getting Kidnapped By Christians, You Were Learning How To Play Saxophone Better

Seriously, as an adult studying psychology, that is FUCKED UP.

13. When You Pick An Arbitrary Number For Your Dumb Satire Column’s Title Before Actually Writing Said Dumb Satire Column And Find Yourself Spinning Your Metaphorical Tires Just To Fill The Gaps

Weirdly specific problems that only I can relate to. That’s what we’re here for, right?

14. Your Mother Had Her Gall Bladder Removed And It Cured Her Lactose Intolerance

My family’s bodies are weird.

15. Watching Your Young Adult Friends Become Aunts/Uncles And It Blows Their Minds But It’s No Big Deal To You Because You’ve Been An Aunt Since Age 3

But even THAT pales in comparison to…

16. You Were Babysat By Your Neighbor Whose Youngest Daughter Was A Year Younger Than Her Granddaughter, Both Of Whom She Also Babysat

All those other Me’s know what I’m talking about!

And finally…

17. You Break A Multiple-Week-Long Hiatus For A Dumb Joke Column That You’re Mostly Writing To Spite Buzzfeed And Its Readers, Many Of Whom Are Good Friends Of Yours

And I don’t even get paid for this low-effort crap!